The Spanish Sahara
by overtiredandempty
Summary: Bella isn't scared of the monsters under her bed, she is scared of the ones inisde her head. When Bella meets the infamous Edward Cullen, she is instantly drawn to him, but how will she save him, when she can't even save herself?
1. Preface

I do not own Twilight, or anything associated with it. That gem is thanks to the wonderful Stephanie Meyer.

WARNING: ADULT THEMES AND AU, just to warn you.

I have suffered (suffer) or experienced some of the themes mentioned, However I can only write from my own experiences and the research that I have carried out. If you feel something is not quite right or unrealistic, feel free to message me and I will try to change it!

The title of the story is from the song, Spanish Sahara by Foals. Each chapter will be accompanied by a song(s) either that I feel relates well to the chapter or I was inspired by a particular lyric or melody.

As usual, give me your worst!

* * *

><p><em>This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization<em>

_It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away_

_Your love will be_

_Safe with me_

**Re:Stacks - Bon Iver**

And that was it, I was_ free._

In seconds I had gone from, crazy, fucked up Bella, to normal human being Bella.

It almost seemed like stepping through the looking glass. I had come in a shell, a broken, battered and almost shattered shell and I had come out something entirely different. Not a shell or something that even owned one, I had come out a human. Two eyes, a nose, a stomach. I had colour in my skin, nails that weren't blue, food in my stomach and fat on my bones.

It felt as if I ought to be changing my name, that I had left Bella back there, on the other side of those glass doors. I stared at my reflection, so much had come from there. I'd built myself there, from scratch. There were memories that I would never make again, folded neatly under memories that I never wanted to remember. People that had helped find something inside of me, that wanted to live. Wanted to breath deeply and taste sweetly. Alice and Jess and Edward. Most of all my Edward. So ridden with fault that he almost felt perfect. Such a beautiful disaster. I ached for him, but I knew that me, getting out would help us both. We could both recover, rejuvenate and forget. Or at least try to. I needed to forget because he made it clear he didn't want me, didn't need me. He hadn't said it in words but it told me in glances. The past few weeks had been the most painful of my life and he had left me. I should be angry, I should have screamed and shouted at him, thrown things around the place, shown him how much I was hurting, but I'd grown tired of that. I'd had enough of making a scene. I was weak, healthy but weak and I couldn't handle him. I was selfish, but he was pushing me away. I just used that to help myself get better, because ultimately I wanted to get better. No, I wanted to get out.

I closed my eyes, took in a large gulp of air and whispered the only words I knew to be true. 'It's okay to not be okay Edward._ It's okay to not be okay._'

I turned round to look at Charlie standing against the truck, he was smiling at me. That was something I had seen increasingly ever since I got told I was coming out. I don't really know what I would've done without him. At times I thought I hated him, I wanted him dead or maybe just not anything to do with me, but there must have been a little bit inside me that was thankful and that part had eaten all the hatred not too long ago. I wasn't sure how I could ever thank him fully, but I knew something that would give me a kick start. 'Hey Dad.'

He stared at me for a second, adjusting to the sudden change of our relationship and then did something equally as surprising.

'I love you Bells'. I welled up immediately. I hurt Charlie so badly the day I was sent here, I broke off a section of his heart and shredded it, but over these past few months, I found all the pieces and stuck them them together again. I hugged him tightly, breathing in the smell of home and glued my section of his heart back where it belonged.

Saying goodbye to this place was not something I ever thought would happen, but here I was and it was happening. This moment, this very second will never be forgotten. It will always hold a place in my heart, as the very moment I thanked my mother. Because without her, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be holding onto Charlie for dear life, I wouldn't be as strong as I am today and I wouldn't of known Edward without her. I would be Isabella Swan, the one you forgot to remember but with her, I am Bella, real, human, still breathing Bella.

I looked at the stone building for what I knew wouldn't be the last time and thanked it again silently, I smiled at Charlie and we left it like that. Sitting in the awkwardness in my rusty old truck, getting back to the life that hadn't waited for us. Sipping in the air. I opened my eyes to the realisation that it wasn't going to be like it was before, I had made a whole new life in a magical place that had pierced little holes into my armour. I was still hurt, maybe even more so than before. It was going to be like it was, it was going to be worse.

**Reality bites.**


	2. Crumbling Like Pastries

I do not own Twilight, or anything associated with it. That gem is thanks to the wonderful Stephanie Meyer.

WARNING: ADULT THEMES AND AU, just to warn you.

I have suffered (suffer) or experienced some of the themes mentioned, However I can only write from my own experiences and the research that I have carried out. If you feel something is not quite right or unrealistic, feel free to message me and I will try to change it!

The title of the story is from the song, Spanish Sahara by Foals. Each chapter will be accompanied by a song(s) either that I feel relates well to the chapter or I was inspired by a particular lyric or melody.

Thank you to the wonderful Sympathetic Me and Burns Like Acid for being betas for this chapter and putting up with my unreliability. I promise I will get better at replying to things!

As usual, give me your worst!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 1 – Crumbling Like Pastries<strong>

****The A Team by Ed Sheeran****

_Her__ face seems, slowly sinking, wasting._

_Crumbling like pastries and they scream,_

_the worst things in life come free to us._

'86lbs' that was two pounds lighter than yesterday, if I carried on like this I could be eighty by Thursday. 86. 86. 86. 86. I twisted the words around in my mouth. 86 was good, _but it wasn't 85._ The gap between my thighs wasn't how I wanted it. My bloated stomach still protruded ever so slightly and the ribs running along my chest still weren't visible enough. I wasn't quite perfect.

I grabbed a 35 calorie cracker from the cupboard and broke it delicately into four. I placed one quarter in my mouth and accompanied it by the standard 28 chews. I placed the rest in a sandwich bag and put it in the front of my rucksack. I swivelled round to see the clock. Exactly 8am, dead on schedule. Something inside me sighed quietly. As much as regimented scheduling was necessary, how exhilarating would it be to stray from it. Leave at 8.06 instead of bang on 8 O clock. It was just so monotonous, but I guess that's how I liked it.

I walked slowly out the door. Sunny, Thank God! Rain wasn't great for the uncoordinated. I looked at my truck; it seemed to have slouched down in its space. It almost looked sad. I was so excited when Charlie had first bought it for me. It was my very own truck, it was a little shabby and rough around the edges but I absolutely adored it. It was love at first sight. I had all these plans to drive to far out fields and read Sylvia Plath for hours on end. Take scenic routes to the gym and then another scenic route back. Just to drive away from my feelings, drive so far out to the middle of nowhere I almost forgot who I was. That was before I discovered running. Running for my dreams was much more useful. I could run to school to 45 minutes and burn 341cals. So my poor truck hadn't been used in weeks. I gave him an apologetic glance and then set off. I adored running in the mornings, there was still a chill in the air from the night before that forced me to keep my eyes open. Refreshing and revitalising. It made everything seem _okay._ All I needed was my trusty running shoes, and my best friend, if you can call your iPod your best friend. Fuck anyone else. This was how I liked it. I liked being alone, I guess I was like Charlie in that way. I could connect with the music; find hidden meanings, allow myself to lose myself in something other than myself. Time always flies when I am running and I liked that. Losing time to something as productive as running, always seemed valid.

First period was biology. I liked Biology. It was easy, self-explanatory. It worked. There weren't emotions or feelings to complicate biology. Just actions and reactions. Nerves and cells. Everything just made sense. Biology was also the only class where I could catch up on my sleep and still seem to get straight A's. Since Edward Cullen hadn't been here for a few weeks, I took his absence as an opportunity to move seats. I had never wanted to sit at the front, it was the only seat left when I arrived. Edward sat snug at the back in the corner, where the lights had broken too long ago for us to remember. I had never actually spoken to him but I am sure he wouldn't have minded, and I didn't care if he did. Mr Banner hadn't said anything so I was sure he wasn't coming back.

I skipped over to my seat, ready to fall sweetly into dreamless, interrupted sleep. I went to set up the apparatus as to look as if I was making some sort of effort, but I was too quick. I was stupid, I forgot. _Don't stand up too fast because it's likely you will faint._ I took a deep breath, and that was it.

'Are you okay love? I think she is coming around. Bella, Love, can you hear me?' Charlie. I could hear Charlie. His voice was dulled by the voices of others. It was hard to think. What had happened? I was in biology, I was fine. I opened my eyes to a lot of other eyes looking at me, too close for my liking. Where the fuck was I?

'Charlie?' I called 'Charlie? What the fuck is going? Where the hell am I?'

'Bella love, you're at the hospital.' Great, who was the bright fuck, who thought it was a good idea to bring me to hospital?

'You fainted this morning.' I fainted. Well done Bella. I checked my pulse. My hands were shaking uncontrollably and my pulse was far too slow. Damn diet pills. I needed to get out of here, before they weighed me. Before they started doing all sorts of tests and examinations, everything was going so perfectly and then I had to spoil it all.

'When can I get out of here? I'm really tired, can you take me home?'

'Someone will have to come and examine you first but I think they want to keep you in for the night, for observations' Charlie smiled at me and it was starting to get my back up.

'What do you mean, keep me in? I'm fine. You can see that I'm fine. I was just hot and stood up to quickly that's all. Charlie, really, I'm okay. Just take me home. I just need to be at home.' I stared softly into his eyes and hoped he was buying this. His eyes seemed to be surrounded by a boarder of grey, that's what weeks of minimal sleep does to you, I should know. They were exactly the same shade as the semicircles that hung under my eyes. I told him not to keep waking me up in the middle of the night.

'Bells, I'd rather be safe than sorry. I don't want anything worse to happen.' I bit my lip, trying to come up with something to sway him somehow.

'Bella, I have to go. My shift starts in half an hour. It's going to be okay love. I promise.'

I scowled at him. Oh just fucking go, leave me in this shit hole, at least I will have some peace.

'I'm not four Charlie; I will be fine on my own.' I spat at him.

'Take care Bells.' He held my hand and kissed me on the forehead. Did he have to be so fucking loving? I forced a smile. 'You too chief'. He left and I was alone. I drifted softly in and out of sleep for a while until a nurse rudely woke me up to check my pulse. I lay on my wrists

'Can I check your pulse sweetie?' She spoke in a high pitched tone. Not squeaky just high and highly irritating.

'Someone took it about an hour ago.' I lied

'They must have forgotten to write it down then. Can I try again?' She reached for my arm and I slid away.

'Come on now lovely, it won't hurt. I just need to check that everything is stable'

'It is. I remember she said it was 70 beats per minute or something like that. That is normal. I am fine' She dropped her smile and ground her teeth.

'Come on now honey. If I don't do this now, I will have to go and ask the doctor too. Who would you prefer?'

I knew I wasn't going to get out of it. I arched my back and freed my hand and allowed her to take my wrist.

'Hmm it is a little on the low side, are you sure it was okay earlier?'

'Yes' I said quietly, trying to hide the fear in my voice.

'Right, I'm going to need some bloods as well, are you okay with needles?' I nodded and rolled up my sleeve to reveal my multi coloured arm. It was decorated with pink, purple and white lines, carved neatly into my skin. Normally I hated to stare at it but under the florescent hospital lighting, it looked almost beautiful. We both looked at it for a second until she finally plucked up the courage to touch its corrugated surface and felt for a vein. She slid the needle in quickly before I was able to prepare for it.

I looked at the floor. There was something about watching the blood trickle into the little plastic tubes that made me want to be sick. It was okay when it was trickling down my laddered arm from a fresh cut, but when someone else was taking it, I felt somewhat nauseous.

'Right love, I am just going to get the doctor about your pulse I will be back in a second, then we can do your blood pressure.'

'No' I blurted before I could even manage to think.

'Don't worry; I just want to find out what is wrong.'

'Please, please don't tell anyone.' I could feel myself welling up.

'Honey, I promise, it will be okay. I will be back in a second.' She walked out of the doors and a left me alone. Prickly tears ran down my cheeks and met at the tip of my chin. I wasn't going to be okay. If she got the doctor, nothing would be okay. She would ruin everything. My heart was beating faster than it had in months. It felt like it would push its way through my chest and land in my hands. I sat up quickly. Shit, my head was pounding. I grabbed my small pile of clothing and headed for the nearest toilet. I put my clothes on the seat and locked the door. I wasn't going to wait while she helped me get admitted. I untangled the legs of my jeans and forced on my top. I pulled my cardigan from behind the toilet and some pastel coloured circles fells to the floor. I knelt down to pick up the tablets.

Nothing was stopping me from taking the lot. No one was here. I could just do it. It would be a lot easier than running away and getting sent straight back and I had been looking for an opportunity and a reason to for too long. Now they might get it. I'm not fine. I am so far from fine; I don't remember what it feels like. Charlie knew exactly what he was doing when he allowed me to stay. I could tell he knew what was going on. All this waking me up in the middle of the night to check I was still alive, and cooking me dinner when he had never cooked in his life. All this shitty I love you crap. He was leaving me here because he knew what they would do. They would weigh me, check my pulse and blood pressure and know exactly what was wrong. For god's sake; all they needed to do was take one look at my brittle blue nails. Then they would throw me into some kind of treatment centre, fatten me up and expect everything to be okay. Well it doesn't work like that. I wasn't going to any type of treatment centre and I certainly was not being fattened up. Everyone just seemed to want me to become everything I didn't want to be. What happened to following your dreams, no matter what? This was what I wanted, what about what I wanted. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. Close the door and turn off the light and let me wither away into nothing. Every day I wake and hoped that maybe today would be the day that I finally starved to death and it still hadn't come. Maybe I just need to accept the fact it wasn't coming and this might just be the next best thing. I stared at the chalky white circles lying in the palm of my hand. There were 33. I had collected them from several different packets and popped them in a small container I used to use for hair clips. I know people always say, well maybe it's for the best, but maybe this way it is. This way we all win. Charlie would have his life back and I would never hear from mine again. I looked at my arms and my legs and my stomach and my chest. I felt for the hair that I used to have, the hair had been swapped for the fine layer of fur that now covered my entire body. My eyes lifted themselves to the mirror that was fixed on the back of the door. When had I become such a fragile broken thing? When had the colour been drained from my eyes? When had this become me? Everything in my life was just one big blur. Days leaked into each other and months slipped away. Every day was forgettable. I had become something I never wanted to be. I swallowed the tablets one by one to begin with, then two or three at a time and then I shoved the last few in, I held them in my mouth for a little, adjusting to the chalky taste that lay on my tongue. I inhaled through my nose and swallowed slowly. I took another gulp of water from the tap and sat on the floor propped up against the wall. I stole three sleeping tablets from my jeans pocket and took them too. This was it. _Everything would be okay now._ My headache was still there and my shakes were getting worse, but I tried to ignore them. I could hear people talking on the other side of the door but I closed my eyes and drowned them out with the sound of my own thoughts. _**Everything is going to be okay. It will all be okay.**_


	3. I'm Not Whole

I do not own Twilight, or anything associated with it. That gem is thanks to the wonderful Stephanie Meyer.

WARNING: ADULT THEMES AND AU, just to warn you.

I have suffered (suffer) or experienced some of the themes mentioned, However I can only write from my own experiences and the research that I have carried out. If you feel something is not quite right or unrealistic, feel free to message me and I will try to change it!

The title of the story is from the song, Spanish Sahara by Foals. Each chapter will be accompanied by a song(s) either that I feel relates well to the chapter or I was inspired by a particular lyric or melody.

Thank you to the wonderful Sympathetic Me and Burns Like Acid for being betas for this chapter and being ridiculously patient! They are amazing at making this story the best it can be!

And of course, as usual, give me your worst!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 2 - I'm Not Whole<strong>

**Always Like This by Gabrielle Aplin**

_You try to look proud but you're not in the slightest,_

_it's happening now and its always been like this._

_Oh, I'm not whole._

_I'm not whole._

_Oh, you waste it all._

I woke up again to bright lights, paper sheets and several people staring at me. This was a sight I could never get used to. I lifted my head to sit up but was forced down by the plait of wires that hung over me. What was all this? There were nurses taking my blood pressure and pulse. Charlie on the phone. Doctors writing on papers labelled with my name and someone attempting to take my vitals. I screwed up my nose and knitted my brows. I was too tired for all this. I lay my head lightly on my pillow and closed my eyes but was abruptly re-awoken by a sudden pain in the back of my hand. I fumbled to feel what it was. **A cannula.** Great. How long did they expect me to stay here? I sat up right and everything rushed around me. Swirling and twirling and thump. I pulled my eyes open for the third time. I was lying sideways on the cold hard floor, my hair covered in a thick layer of grey dust.

'Are you okay Bells?' Charlie flew across the room, dropping his phone on the floor in the process. I watched as it bounced off of the floor before slamming back onto the ground as the back flew off. That is what you get when you buy a $50 piece of shit, all because he didn't want anything flash. You get an I-phone with your upgrade I said, but he never listened, he said it was overrated and that he would last as long as he did.

'I'm fine Charlie. Being uncoordinated always was my forte.'

I leant firmly on the bed as two nurses and Charlie helped up my fragile frame. I could feel bruises forming on my hips and shoulder bones as well a throbbing pain in my hands. Well this was going to be fun. I'd been awake for two minutes and I had already managed to hurt myself, if I stayed any longer I probably kill myself without even meaning to this time. I sat on the bed for a second, taking a long deep breath before feeling my throat begin to clench. My ever trustworthy gag reflex caught me just in time as I managed to close my mouth as the sick entered my mouth. I stood up as quickly as humanly possible but steadily enough not to faint this time and headed for the door, as quickly as you can when surrounded by doctors and nurses.

I could hear them calling for me but I wasn't going to stop. I wasn't having this inside me any longer. I walked into the bathroom directly opposite my room and locked it behind me. Forcing my head into the toilet I emptied my stomach into the toilet. I knew what this was just looking at what I had thrown up. They had given me one of those calorie filled nightmare drinks that make you put on weight. The kind of thing they give you at eating disorder clinics when you refuse to eat your dinner, when they don't want to tube feed you just yet. They were the drinks that every person with an eating disorder flinched at the very mention of. Ensure. Ensure Plus and whatever the rest were called. It came up willingly. A milk of creamy gloop coating the toilet bowl in a film of cream. I washed my hands, rinsed my mouth and opened the door slowly, peering round the crack to survey the masses of people. Charlie was the only one waiting for me, staring at his feet, dejected and still tired looking. So very tired. He smiled me, a smile holding only one word, sorry, and I mirrored it back. I didn't want to be here. Fuck, I would do anything to get away from here and these people with needles and blood pressure machines and food. But I knew what Charlie was doing was right. 99% fucked up and 1% right and that 1% thanked him. I wrote a mental note to myself;_ if I ever reach the other side of this remind me to give him the biggest hug. _

'Everything okay?' his words shook through his lips.

'On top form chief. I don't know what the fuss is about.' I joked. It was awkward and unnecessary and we both forced a false laugh.

'Bells, I am so sorry. So sorry. If I had known I would've, I don't know. Helped. I know I haven't been the father you deserve but if you… when you get better; I'm going to be there for you. I wish you had, I mean, you should've said something. Don't ever do anything like this to me again.'

I listened to his disjointed sentences. I could hear the fear in his voice and the sincerity that shadowed it. He was trying to say sorry. He was blaming himself and I couldn't have that. This was so far from his fault but I couldn't push the words from my mouth.

'I just want you know Bells that I am here. If you ever need anything. I'm your father. You can tell me anything, any time, any place. I love you so much Isabella, and the thought of anything happening to you… I...' he stopped and I look up into his eyes to see them over flowing with slow heavy tears. I reached for him but only managed to tug on his uniform shirt.

'Charlie, none of this is your fault. None of it.' I stared at him, burning a hole in face until he looked sadly into my eyes pretending to accept my truth.

We walked back to my room to a solitary doctor. She sat on the edge of the bed, flipping through paper covered with scribbles and boxes to tick. She smiled at me.

'Isabella, how are you feeling?'

'It's Bella.' Both Charlie and I interrupted. I bit my lip and squeezed his hand. I wanted to hug him so tightly. I felt like a four year old girl who had just fallen off the swing and scraped her knee. A girl who needed her dad.

'Right, we are going to leave your dad here while we go and get you assessed if that is okay.' Her patronising tone would've killed me any other day but at the moment I almost welcomed it.

'Assessed for what?' I asked eagerly. Again Charlie looked to the floor. It wasn't a good sign. She smiled at me and turned to look at Charlie.

'If there are any essentials Bella wants for the next few days, I would go and pick them up now. When we are done she will be sent back up here so you can come and give them to her then.'

Charlie mumbled something too quickly for me to hear but the doctor nodded and he dropped my hand.

'I love you Bells' he said softly. He pulled me into a clumsy hug and kissed the top of my head. I held my breath to stop the lump in my throat from forming and choking me at this inappropriate time. He left before I even knew he was going and I was in silence with a woman I knew I wasn't going to like.

'Right then Bella, let's get you downstairs.' I struggled to open the thick wooden door and she held it open for me with ease.

'What am I being assessed for may I ask? I assume I have the right to know.'

She was silent. Apparently not. What a wonderful time for her to decide to become mute.

She led me onto another ward, the focus of which I didn't know and placed me in a small room which resembled the cramped music practice rooms as school. I changed into a paper robe and sat on the bed, swinging my legs. They looked different. I could see the difference between the bone and the muscle. Make out the changed with every move. They looked almost beautiful through my Bella tinted glasses but I could see to anyone else they would look sickly skinny.

Another doctor walked into the room. He looked soft and friendly and I immediately relaxed to his presence.

'Isabella, I am just going to do a few tests. No need to be nervous or anything like that, I promise I won't poke you too much, I am sure you have had a lot of that already today.' His eyes were soft. He looked at me as if he had seen many of me before. He wasn't surprised by my skeletal frame or the way light shone through my skin. I was translucent and he acted as if that were the norm.

'So how often would you say you usually purge?' He looked straight at me whilst feeling around my jaw. Wow, talk about blunt.

'I didn't say I did.' I said curtly and smiled a sickly smile.

'I see at least 20 girls a day with eating disorders just like you, I can tell. I'm going to say at least once today and twice yesterday. The swelling is quite significant.'

I was shocked. How could anyone be so spot on? I had thrown up once today, that stupid milky Ensure and yesterday. 2 crackers with mustard that I had second thoughts about. I took a deep breath as his cold hands touched my temples.

'Look at me.' He shone a little torch into my eyes, and black splodges immediately appeared all over his face.

'Your eyes don't focus either.' He muttered. He slipped the bloody pressure cuff on my arm before I could protest.

'Anything?' I whispered.

'I'm not sure yet.' His eyes didn't move from the machine.

'90/60'

I didn't know what that meant so I didn't say a thing; I just sat there swinging legs, humming silently to myself.

He felt my stomach and commented on the thick layer of fur I had been accumulating. He wasn't too kind about my blue nails and my weak and brittle hair. He took a urine sample and took some blood and then he weighed me.

'85.1 at 5ft6,'

I smiled to myself; I'd lost a pound whilst being at the hospital. He noticed my somewhat odd reaction.

'Pleased?' he said in a comically stern voice. The words I wanted to say just sat in my mouth so I just shook my head. He carried on scribbling things on sheet after sheet of paper, then he packaged me off to another doctor who asked me far too many questions for my liking.

Do you like to eat in front of others? – **No**

Do you enjoy preparing food for others but do not eat what you cook? – **Yes**

Do you find yourself preoccupied with food? – **Yes**

Do you avoid eating when you feel hungry? – **Yes**

Do you feel food controls your life? –** Yes**

It went on and on.

'Do you take any sort of Diet pills, Diuretics, Laxatives or another medication that could aide weight loss?' -**Yes.**

'What do you take?' She smiled at me with her large yellow teeth. Her skin was sagging and I could smell the smoke on her miles away. She was thin but not thin enough. She was smothered by her brown jumper. You could tell she had weight issues. Food issues. Whatever you want to call them, and I could tell she was enjoying this.

'Ex-Lax, Laxative Tea, and Hydroxycut.' I sighed heavily. This was draining. Airing my dirty laundry was not something I usually did. I preferred the tumble dryer where you could keep everything neatly hidden away.

I was passed to the third and final woman. She was large and round and hidden in her pocket you could see a pack of Reeses cups and the empty wrapper from another. I slid myself onto the bed and she sat next to me. I could hear the bed creak awkwardly and I pretended not too.

'I'm not going to beat around the bush here. How old are you Isabella? 19? You are a clever girl; you know what this has done to you. You have ketones in your urine. Your heart rate is slow. Your blood pressure is low and you have a BMI of 13.7. That is nowhere near where it should be.'

I could sense something in here tone. She was going to tell me the one thing I didn't want to hear. I tried to block out what she was saying. Scream inside my head to drown her words, but it was too late, I'd heard it.

'We have found a place for you at Fork Psychiatric Hospital. You will be transferred there in a few days. Your father is outside. Should I send him in?'

I was stunned. I had known all along that this was how it was going to end, but now it was here something just floored me. I was being locked up and left, as Charlie sat and watched. How could he do this to me? How could he help them? I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to see anyone. It felt like everyone that knew had royally fucked me over. Well, fuck them. I will not be dictated to by people whose sanity is wearing just as thin as mine. Charlie liked to pretend oh so often that he was some kind of moral upstanding citizen and he played his part well, no one knew about the x amount of times I had come home and had to wade through a sea of cans to find his face head first in the pizza box. He was just as hurt as I was. I stood up slowly. My feet felt as if they were going to give way as I wobbled over to the door. I peered through the glass to see his solid frame. He looked lonely. Better get used to it chief, I wasn't going to be around to keep you alive any longer.

We both stared at each other in painful silence. He attempted a sorry several times and was greeted by my ever so straight face. If I spoke to him I would empty my mind and as much as that was tempting, I was sure I didn't mean it all. He stopped trying and passed me a large bag with my things and brown envelope. Bella was scrawled across the front. I smiled feebly in order to seem somewhat appreciative. I wanted to blame him. Thanks for sending me away but thanks for letting me get this bad. If you were a real father you would've seen. You would've noticed I was a fuck up from the beginning. But I knew too well that I had hid this with my life. Wrapped it up and placed in neatly inside my heart. Even if he had noticed quickly, I would've lied my way out of it. He looked doleful.

'I will be back in a few days with the rest of the stuff. I know I have hurt you with this Bella but you are going to be safe. You are going to live.' He didn't bother to say anything else and slid through the door. At the moment I hated Charlie. I seethed with anger about his faulty decisions, but I also felt sorry for him. To see your only child become something entirely broken must be hard. More than hard, heart wrenching. To watch as your child slowly starves to death and hear the hollow hunger through the walls as you both pretend to sleep. To be told that your daughter had tried to take her own life. Tried to stop whatever was going in her head. I just can't imagine. I changed into some somewhat comfier pyjamas that Charlie had brought me. They still had the faint smell of his strawberry and lychee shampoo with a subtle splash of his aftershave. I curled up neatly on top of my bed encasing myself in my dressing gown and closed my eyes as if to appear asleep. I wanted to get away from here but one familiar and haunting figure brought me back.

_Renee is sitting with her back to Bella on the kitchen floor. To anyone else she could have been looking in the cupboard or wiping up a stain, but Bella knows what she is doing. She sits behind the door and watches through the crack as her mother gorges herself on Bella's own birthday cake. She watched as she devours each section. Icing. Scrapings of jam and cream and then the sticky, soft sponge. She moves quickly onto cereal. Then fries. Then the sausage rolls Bella chose for her packed lunch tomorrow. Cream cakes and fruit and crackers leave trails on the floor. The kitchen is almost silent but their minds are way too loud to notice. Renee finishes with 3 packets of custard cream biscuits, 4 glasses of chocolate milk and a quarter of a bottle of red wine. The next phase is simple. Bella runs to her room and her mother makes her way to the bathroom opposite. The door is locked and Bella waits for the sound of running water. Some people think that sounds calms them, Bella couldn't feel more opposite. It put her on edge. It softened the sound of Renee retching. What if she was choking and she needed Bella, but Bella couldn't hear because the bath was filling up again. 45 minutes passes and Renee skulks out smiling and sits on Bella's bed. Bella can smell the sick on her breath and see the scrapes along the back of her hand but she doesn't mention a thing. They plait each other's hair and paint each other's nails. The sit watching Disney films as Bella eats chocolate and candy and Renee insists that she is going to get fat. This is what happened every good day. When Renee gets it all up and balance is restored, it's the bad days that send the world spinning into a food related chaos._

I opened my eyes just in case. My room was silent and everything neatly in its place. There were no bathrooms or running water. No plaits or painted finger nails. All of that was gone and look what it had changed her into. A sick little girl who decided she would rather starve to death than put up with living. Rather starve to death, than become her mother. The room gently spun and the noises slowly died, _**everything seemed beautiful but all was hurt.**_


	4. It's Us That We Despise

I do not own Twilight, or anything associated with it. That gem is thanks to the wonderful Stephanie Meyer.

WARNING: ADULT THEMES AND AU, just to warn you.

I have suffered (suffer) or experienced some of the themes mentioned, However I can only write from my own experiences and the research that I have carried out. If you feel something is not quite right or unrealistic, feel free to message me and I will try to change it!

The title of the story is from the song, Spanish Sahara by Foals. Each chapter will be accompanied by a song(s) either that I feel relates well to the chapter or I was inspired by a particular lyric or melody.

Thank you to the wonderful Sympathetic Me for betaing this chapter and being ever so patient! I'm a terrible person to work with, so im very grateful for her to be sticking by me :)

And of course, as usual, give me your worst!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 3 – It's Us That We Despise.<strong>

**Mountains by Gabrielle Aplin**

_Always have to justify how my tongue dances,_

_We're barely getting by on taking chances._

_And we come to realise,_

_It's us that we despise._

The next three days were a blur. A mismatch of memories and nightmares. Charlie came and sat by my bed as I pretended to sleep. I gave up on eating altogether and sipped coffee like it was the only drink on earth. I shuffled around the ward making countless escape plans that I had no intention of fulfilling. Everything seemed to have reached a standstill and I knew why. This was the calm before the storm as Charlie would say. The tranquil serenity was leading up to a hurricane and I had to be ready. I scribbled diary entry after diary entry of ways in which to avoid weight gain or at least to prolong it. Numbers bounced back and forth in my brain. If I ate this much, purged this much, exercised this much, I could stay this size. Nothing worked out. There was always a gradual increase that I wasn't willing to accept. As the minutes dragged into hours and days began to pass, I became increasingly aware that this may be the last time I could comfortably sit at 80lbs. These may be the last days of self-inflicted starvation and that after this point I would be, whether I welcomed it or not, a new healthy breed. I would, in my own terms be getting fat but it wasn't just that, I'd think differently, do different things. I was about to allow myself to be put into a cardboard box, to be controlled and restricted until I out grew said box and was ready to be set free. I noticed that I started pacing, scraping the back of my hand until it bled, chewing nervously on my lips.

'What's wrong Bella?' Charlie would ask, the nurses would ask. I would ask.

'I don't know.' I would mumble and then return to picking at my scabbed skin. I was scared. I was scared that after all of this there might just not be a person left. Just a body. That I had destroyed much more than my internal Organs. I had destroyed myself. I spent hours looking in the mirror. Looking into my blood shot eyes trying to find evidence that I was still down there, somewhere. Remnants of my former self lingered. Scars from my youth, memories of my mother, clothes that used to fit and books I used to adore, but there was no personality. It was as if someone had stolen it while I was sleeping, and in a desperate attempt to not just be a shell, I emptied myself and became one anyway.

Friday passed as slowly as it had come and then Saturday was finally here. This was it. My descent into sanity. Charlie arrived at around 8.40 and did his usual routine of collecting me a coffee from the cafeteria, placing it on my bedside table and launching himself into the sports that happen to be on that day. I didn't understand how he could sit there wasting his life away in front of a square electronic box, but hey, he couldn't understand why I refused to eat and was close to having a panic attack when I did. We were even.

'How are you feeling?' He asked without warning.

'Absolutely swell Charlie, just swell.' I could almost taste the poison in my words. I looked up and he looked down. Eye contact probably wasn't the best idea; in the mood I was in I would shoot laser beams into his pupils and watch him go up in flames. I took a sip from my scalding coffee and allowed it to simmer on my tongue until it burned.

'Do you know when they are discharging you?' He whispered just loud enough for me to hear.

'Never Charlie. Once you get there you don't get out. Did they not tell you that while you were filling in the insurance claim?'

'I meant from here.' His voice was raspy and he looked old. He hadn't been sleeping I could tell, and my constant spew of bitter and heated remarks wasn't helping. He was having a hard time and I was adding fuel to the fire I had made. His eyes closed softly and I hoped that we could both just sleep for an hour or so. Immerse ourselves in our dreams for a little while. I closed my eyes in canon and a wave of tiredness hit me like I'd been hit around the head. I was tired. Very tired. I hadn't realised how my sleeping had affected me. I hadn't had a good night sleep since being in this place. I wish I could blame it on the paper sheets and moving beds or the fact they woke you up several times in the night for observations, but it wasn't. I had been getting nightmares like the ones I used to get when Renee was at her worst. Only this time, most of them involved her real death instead of the one I used to assume was inevitable. They were full of pain, pain I hadn't allowed myself to feel. Everything in them felt almost too real. There would come a point in which I would always realise that I was dreaming and that was it. I would do absolutely everything to get out. To wake myself up and I always did. I'd wake up screaming and crying in a cold sweat with ten nurses standing around me looking down in fear. I would be in absolute panic whilst being completely dead to the world. The nurses all got tired of running in to check that I wasn't having a heart attack and so at some point they took it in turns to sit by my bed, I would see them whilst my observations were being done. I had become rather fond of having someone watch over me. It made me feel secure. Sometimes, I would talk to them instead of falling back to sleep, other times I would stare at them softly in-between naps. They made me feel safe and that was certainly something I would miss.

'Right Isabella, are you ready to go?' I stared at the tall man in front of me. He had become a familiar face in the past few days but I hadn't formally met him. Dr Smith was his name. How original. He led Charlie and me through thick fire doors and down corridors that seemed to have no end. He showed us into a small treatment room and gestured me to sit on the bed.

'I'm going to introduce you to Dr Carlisle Cullen. He is the Head Psychiatrist at FPU. He will be leading your care. We thought it would be nice if you met him before you got there. If you have any questions now would be the time to ask them?' They all looked at me expectantly. I shuffled onto the bed and dangled my feet. I had a million questions to ask. Why was I being sent away? How do I get out? Could I discharge myself? When was I coming back? But butterflies swam around in circles in my stomach and were making me feel ill.

'Hello Bella, I'm Carlisle. How are you feeling today?' Doctor Carlisle Cullen was like nothing you had ever seen before. He was absolutely beautiful. His eyes were a warm liquid gold and his skin was as dazzling as marble. He had a warmth to him that lulled me into an immediate sense of security. His face was soft but his features undoubtedly chiselled. He looked like a god and couldn't of been older than 25. He smiled at me openly and awaited an answer.

'I'm fine.' Nothing else seemed fitting. I couldn't scare Charlie with the truth. That actually I was the most scared I'd ever been in my life. I fumbled with my finger nails and my hands shook ever so slightly. Carlisle must have noticed.

'It's okay to feel scared Bella; in fact I would be worried if you weren't. It is very daunting having to leave everything you know behind to lead a life in a completely clinical environment. It isn't going to be easy. It will probably be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. You seem like a strong intelligent girl and you will come out of this even stronger. It is very important that you know we aren't abandoning you in anyway.' _Oh really?_ 'Everyone needs a little help sometimes and with us you will get all you need and more. I am going to be coming up in the ambulance with you, so if you think of any questions I will be happy to answer them then.' Then it was just Charlie and I again. Soaking up the silence. He moved to come and stand in front of me and pulled my delicate frame into a controlled bear hug. Over the past few days I had absolutely no time for him, but he was my father and I love him. I had missed talking to him and I would miss him dearly. He was everything to me and I the same to him. I was his favourite little girl. I drank in his smell and stole his warmth and we stood there for a minute or so. Carlisle returned with papers to sign and sheets of unnecessary information, the only thing I need to know was when I would be allowed to come home.

'Now as I said earlier, we will be taking you there in an ambulance. Chief swan you are more than welcome to come with Bella, or to follow us in your own car. However don't feel obliged. She will be safe with us.' Charlie looked at me, searching for answer in my eyes, the only problem being he didn't know how to read me anymore. Nobody did.

'Maybe you could come up tomorrow?' I didn't want him to be there to start with. I needed time to unpick the newly stitched bond that was tighter than I had first imagined it could ever be. Carlisle left us again and we said an awkward goodbye. We didn't need to use the words; we both knew what the other was thinking. It seemed silly to say them out loud. Charlie wheeled my suitcase down the corridors as I took slow unsteady steps. We reached the front doors and I gulped in fresh air. It was over whelming. I felt the need to say goodbye to sun. As if I were going to be locked away underground with no communication for a year. Perhaps I was? I was ushered into the back of the ambulance and my suitcase was slid in after me. I watched as tears spilt onto Charlie shirt and was surprised to find my own face was sodden. I was crying.

'I love you Isabella. So much.'

'I love you too.' However much I wanted to take that final measure and call him the term he so rightfully earned when he watched me come into this world, I couldn't. The doors were closed and we left him standing there, staring at us until we were out of sight.

It was a sturdy red brick mansion, two cream pillars and a stone boarder accentuated the doors, it looked like something you would see in England. Beautiful and strong. It settled me slightly. We walked in and were thrust through several doors and a lift. Elevator music was not what I needed right now. I felt my heartbeat for the first time in days. So now it decided to come to life. I swallowed a mouthful of air and sighed heavily. I was weak and empty and at any point I could faint. What a life this was. No wonder I was here. We stopped on the third floor and Carlisle took my case for me. The wheels squeaked as we came to a halt in front of two double doors. Ash Young Adult Unit it read is large blue lettering. _Everything was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay._ Carlisle opened the door for me and we were greeted by a lanky, dishevelled young man. I guessed he was 28 but he could've easily passed for 18.

'You must be Isabella.' He smiled a toothy grin.

'It's just Bella.' Carlisle said before I could correct the man. This man couldn't get lovelier.

'Okay Bella, if you can just wait here. Patrick should be along soon and we can sort out your bags and stuff then. You are lucky everyone is just about to head on up to bed so you will be able to rest tonight before the animals descend.' He laughed at himself. I looked at my watch; 11.40pm. I hadn't realised the day had gone so swiftly. I smiled as best as I could by my eyes were beginning to fill. Carlisle squeezed my hand and I couldn't hold them in any longer. Tears spilt lazily over my eyes and my breath shortened to small, sharp panting. I didn't like it already. It wasn't home. My heart began to ache. _I've changed my mind; I don't need to be here. I will get better. I can do this all at home._ Carlisle stared into my eyes as if he were reading my thoughts.

'You can do this Bella, I know you can. I have seen many try and fail, but not you. You will get through this.' I listened to his optimism. I felt like he had misplaced it in me. He didn't even know me. He was wrong. I couldn't do this; I couldn't even keep myself alive at home. What made him so certain I could do it here? Why did everyone seem to think a miracle was going to happen and this place was going to iron out my creases? My creases were ironed in. They weren't going to budge. I allowed the tears to flow as I mulled over the disappointment everyone would feel when I came back, unchanged. The defeat that Charlie would feel when he came to terms with the fact this was me and I would probably die of this before I got any better. Die way before he did.

Patrick came. He was tall and dark and his head reflected the fluorescent lights. He was stern and I took an almost instant dislike to him. He took me into a room and went through my bag as I watched my privacy being cut into shiny pieces. Carlisle waited with me and passed me sorrowful glances. He seemed to understand my anxiety. I came out with a half empty suitcase and a bag, 4 times lighter than before. No aerosols. No laptop. No books with unsuitable content. No paper or pens. Make up was to be kept in a locker along with perfume, DVDs, anything electrical, belts, necklaces, anything sharp, heavy or large. I felt like I had done something wrong, like this was really a prison for the criminally insane. I felt stripped of everything they teach you to hold dear. We were lead through a series of locked doors and through the unit to a locked corridor. It was one straight line with rooms veering off every metre or so. We came to a room with a white number 13 and the name Alice painted above it. This would be my sanctuary for the next however long I was going to be here for. Thankfully I was allowed a little time to unpack my things and settle in. I studied my room. I lay out my clothes on the bed and coordinated them. Trousers and jeans, t-shirts and every day tops. Skirts, shorts and dresses that I had bought with no intention on wearing. Hoodies and sweatpants and then pyjamas and under wear, all neatly folded and placed in the square sections that were left. No hangers allowed. Yay. By the amount of clothes already followed neatly into colour coordinated sections and the sickly smell of strawberries and cream that hung like fog in the air I assumed I was sharing a room; my roommate however was nowhere to be seen. I lay out my books and pictures frames on the desk next to the bed I assumed was mine. The other bed was covered with fuchsia velvet sheets patterned with flowers. It was a single but somehow it managed to hold two ordinary pillows and three throw pillows and still look large. I looked at the picture of me and Charlie from last fall. The fall my mother decided to take her own life and leave me alone with mine. I looked happy. I knew better than to think it was real. True. It was all lies, just like everything else. I arranged my toiletries in appropriate categories in the bathroom and relished the fact it had a door. I had been looking forward to having a bathroom of my own, fingers crossed sharing with this person was better than sharing with Charlie. Now that was something I wouldn't miss.

Someone came to talk to me about a few things, handing me copious amounts of paper. On weekends we woke up at 9am, weekdays 8am. Visiting hours were 6-8pm normally apart from Friday, Saturday and Sunday when it was from 9am until 9pm, excluding meal times. My room-mate was a girl named Alice who was the same age and would be coming back from leave tomorrow. I assumed leave was a stay at home for a few days and wondered if and when I would be allowed on 'leave'. I spoke to a consultant and a quick assessment was made. They took my physical observations, asked me hundreds of questions and then finally weighed me. 79.1. I held back my smile. I'd learnt they don't like it when you are pleased with your weight, they prefer to see you cry over it as they laugh to themselves. I was shown to a room where I had to talk to someone about why I was here, like I didn't already know. By the time I was allowed to sleep it was 3 in the morning. The routine here was tight but they seemed to have no regard for the fact that I was so obviously tired. I settled into bed, pyjamas and my dressing gown on and wrapped in a blanket and a duvet. The bed was single and it wasn't like mine. The light was soft but it wasn't my lamp. Everything seemed okay but it wasn't what I was used to. I fell asleep crying, my mascara staining the pillow. **Hello sanity, my old friend.**


	5. These Four Walls

I do not own Twilight, or anything associated with it. That gem is thanks to the wonderful Stephanie Meyer.

WARNING: ADULT THEMES AND AU, just to warn you.

I have suffered (suffer) or experienced some of the themes mentioned, However I can only write from my own experiences and the research that I have carried out. If you feel something is not quite right or unrealistic, feel free to message me and I will try to change it!

The title of the story is from the song, Spanish Sahara by Foals. Each chapter will be accompanied by a song(s) either that I feel relates well to the chapter or I was inspired by a particular lyric or melody.

Thank you to the wonderful Sympathetic Me for betaing this chapter and being ever so patient! I'm a terrible person to work with, so im very grateful for her to be sticking by me :)

And of course, as usual, give me your worst!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4 – These Four Walls (Keep The Nightmares Out)<strong>

**Home by Daughter**

_Cause I don't stand a chance in these four walls,_

_and he don't recognise me anymore._

_Burned out flames should never reignite_

_but I thought you might._

_Take me home._

_I am walking home from school. The way in which I walk every day. I skip past the children playing in the road with jump ropes, past the children playing chalked games on the pavement. I have to get home. I run past the local fast food restaurant which is filled to the brim with eleven year olds just like myself, storing their chips, burgers, nuggets and shakes as fat for the oncoming winter. I have to get home. As I turn the corner of my road I slow. I don't know what I will find. It would be easier if I could follow a breadcrumb trail to Renee's sticky sleeping mess on the sofa, but I can't. Instead I have to open the unlocked door and follow the empty food containers. The same ones that I saw children eating from the local take away not even two minutes before. Scared and angry, like every other day I don't say a word. I hold my breath and push the door and stare into the empty room. My hands and legs quiver as my eyes fill with knowing tears. I divert my attention to behind the bedroom door where I find Renee and her best friend (after the toilet), the vodka bottle. I feel for the phone in the dim lit room. Shaking fingers pressing sticky keys, as if they had already been pressed today. 9-1-1. silence follows. 9-1-1. I try again. 9-1-1. 9-1-1. Desperate, frantic, worried and nervous, I don't know what to do or how to feel. I need help. Help now. I need somebody to help me, but nobody comes. I wash my mother's face with a damp flannel before removing the empty vodka bottles; I clear up the wrappers and settle myself next to my mother on the floor. I need help. Renee needs help. But for now we'll just sleep in the hope that somebody finds us and waves all the horror away._

"Bella… Bella are you okay? Bella?" I peer through my lashes at the small girl standing over me.

"Sorry Bella, I wasn't sure if you were awake or not, you were crying and I couldn't just leave you." I frown at her. Crying? I roll onto my side and lay my face onto a sodden pillow. Another nightmare. Not the worst one but certainly not the easiest one to shake. I sit up slowly, pushing my weight onto my arms and then falling back onto my back as they give way.

"Are you okay? Do you want me to help you?" I nod, not able to force the words out from behind my teeth. She came and gently put one hand on my back and held my hand with her other to push me upright. My head is fuzzy and so I close my eyes, waiting for the room to stand still. The girl took a few steps back, so quietly that when I opened my eyes I was surprised to see she had moved.

"I'm Alice." She beams at me. "You are Bella, right?"

"Yes. I'm Bella." Her voice was high but not annoying and she spoke so fluidly the words seemed to just trickle out of her mouth without her lips moving. She was small, very petite but she oozed a confidence that warned you she was strong enough to fight her own battles. She whizzed around the room like she ate caffeine tablets instead of cereal, spoke to me as if we had been friends for years and smiled at me like I was actually a person. Not an eating disorder with legs.

I felt groggy as hell and didn't want to move from my warm space under the duvet. As soon as I left this room it would begin. My time in this hell would start ticking and I wasn't sure I was ready.

I mustered the courage and slid out from beneath my covers in an attempt to hold onto the warmth for as long as possible. Obviously it failed and within seconds I was covered in a layer of goose bumps and the hair on my face was standing to attention.

Whilst I was sleeping Alice had taken the opportunity to have a rifle through the clothes I had neatly arranged and had chosen me an outfit I almost didn't recognise to be my own.

"I'm really sorry, I just couldn't help myself. You don't have to wear it today but you must at some point. I bet you wouldn't have thought about putting Burgundy with green, but it looks wonderful together doesn't it?" I nod again. She is right. My burgundy jumper had always been accompanied by dark wash jeans and the racing green leggings that I got last Christmas, yet to be worn. I stared at the outfit hung neatly up on the bathroom door, a whole ten steps away and decided it was far too much effort to walk over there. I slung my favourite sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt as Alice chattered to me with her back turned about the boys she met at the beach whilst on leave and the adorable way in which her mother had redecorated her room whilst she had been here. Hairspray fumes were working their way down into my lungs and it wasn't helping my light-headedness,

I stumbled towards the door, as Alice followed behind looking ready to catch me if I fell.

I decided that I liked Alice. She was the type of person I generally tried to steer clear of. A little too chatty, secreted popularity, and seemed a little too charismatic to want to be anywhere near me. But for some reason, I had instantly warmed to her. She seems genuine and she hadn't mentioned my skeletal frame once. If everyone here was like Alice, I think I might just be alright. I'd have a constant headache but I could deal with that.

Alice led me down the corridor through some double doors and into the Dining area. It was crammed with small rectangular tables, oddly shaped chairs and the smell of baked beans and toast mixed in with washing up liquid. It looked like my worst nightmare. Everyone was queuing up for food like it was George's marvellous medicine. Smiles on their faces and light reflecting of their eyes. I couldn't stand in that queue. My legs wouldn't let me. I didn't want to. Not with everyone scrutinising what I chose and how much I ate. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't and apparently I didn't have to. What I had to do was worse.

Alice led me to a table in the far corner of the room. It was long and could've easily fit five people down either side, but there were on four place mats and one of them was mine. Two adults sat at either end and a few were scattered along the sides, sipping black coffee as the gossiped and Patrick and his ridiculously bothersome manner. Thank god I wasn't the only who thought it. I sat down at my space wishing Alice hadn't been so quick to join the food queue and began fiddling with the place mat that had Isabella scrawled on it. That would have to be changed.

"You must be Isa-"

"Bella, I'm Bella." The woman smiled.

"Okay Bella. Has anyone spoken to you about what is going to be happening as far meals are concerned?" By now, other people had sat down to at the table. There was a girl with long black hair, she was sat in such a way that her hair covered her face. She had bandages on my arms and she looked as if she weighed about 100lbs. She looked cold and tired and I couldn't look at her any longer. Then there was another one I recognised from school. Jessica. Swollen cheeks and bitten lips. Bulimic perhaps or maybe even EDNOS. She threw me a comforting hello and I sent one back with a little hesitation. Then there was a boy at the very far end. He only looked about fourteen. He swung his legs and drew pictures on his place mat but his face was stained with tears and his eyes a shade of red I knew came from weeks of stress. I stared at each of them for a little while, wondering what their stories were, trying to find them in their eyes.

"Bella?" Someone called snapping my back to reality.

"Sorry." The woman looked at me as if she were waiting for an answer.

"Sorry? What did you say?" She sighed slowly.

"Has anyone spoken to you about meal times, meal plans, that kind of thing?"

"No." I whispered. I didn't want to hear about them. I wanted to pretend this wasn't happening.

She place a booklet in front me. I was fed up with reading through paperwork; I left it laying there softly on the table. She picked it up once more and turned it to the first page.

"Right, so this page is meal times, the behaviour we expect around the dining area. Meal times are protected time so you won't be able to have any visitors at meals times or snack times. If you just glance down to the bottom here, it just explains our policy around defiance. You are given forty five minutes to finish a main meal, which consists of dinner and pudding; you have fifteen minutes to eat snacks. If you refuse or do not finish your meal in that time, you will be given a food replacement drink and the amount you're given is subject to the discretion of the social worker giving it to you. At the weight you are now, if you were to refuse on a regular basis, we would be forced into a situation where you may need to be fitted with a nasogastric tube. Now, did you get all of that?"

I took a second just to breathe. The reality of the table where I was sitting and just how many steps away from here Charlie was stabbed in the stomach like I'd ran into a knife. My eyes begin to fill with tears I didn't even know I had any left. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. Someone please take me home.

"Are you okay love?"

No. No I'm not fucking okay. I've been placed in a fucking nut house like I'm crazy, its miles and miles away from routine and order and morning runs. I'm really tired and I just want to go to my room in my house and sleep until I'm thin enough to die but no. I can't. I have to sit here and eat the food you say that I need. Food that is just calories. Just calories swimming around my plate, whispering to me that they are going to make me fat. FAT FAT FAT. I dug my finger nails into my palms and bit hard into my bottom lip.

"It will get easier."

I didn't want to talk to stupid woman any more I didn't want to talk to anyone. I looked around the table and realised that everyone was waiting for me.

'Everyone starts at the same time'. Jessica mouthed to me across the table. I nodded and a wave of guilt flooded through me. I didn't want to make them wait for their breakfast. That wasn't fair, although I am sure they were grateful for the few extra moments in which to prepare for what was about to happen.

A white bowl was placed in front of me. It was filled with cornflakes, swimming in milk. Full fat, maybe Soya, definitely not Non-fat. A glass of water sat next to the bowl and covered the 'LA' of Isabella on my place mat.

I stared into the milk, hoping there would be some kind of miracle where I would sip my water, shrink like Alice in wonderland and drown myself in my milk. But no miracle came. This wasn't wonderland; I was crossing the path from Hungerland into Fatland. Fat Disgusting Piece Of Crap Land.

I noticed everyone was already eating. Jessica had almost finished in fact and the other were taking quarter spoonfuls of milk and following it with three or four cornflakes at a time. Every second or three they would glance up to the clock. Shit I had forgot about the time.

Ten minutes had gone already.

"C'mon Bella, you've got toast to go yet." I stared at the woman next to me. She sat there with a mug of milky tea, a small drip stain on her cream blouse. She looked at me smugly. She may as well have had 'you have to eat shit and I don't have to eat a thing' written on her forehead. That was it.

"I'm not having anything. I'm not fucking having anything. Not this or shitty toast or anything else you want to shove down my neck. I'm not having a single thing. Don't fucking try to make me either." I stood up, my heart thumping against my ribcage and my hands and legs shaking violently.

"Bella, sit down. This isn't fair on the others." They were all staring at me in fear. In fact everyone was staring at me. They knew what was coming. I was sure they had seen it before a million times.

The woman went to touch my hand.

"Don't fucking touch me. Don't you dare get anywhere near me." Patrick walked over; his outer skin of authority looked ridiculous to me. He couldn't do a thing.

"Right Isabella, it's time to sit down now. You need to eat your breakfast."

"How about you eat my fucking breakfast, in fact you can have it-" I point towards the bitch with the tea stain. "Yes, we will swap. You can have my cornflakes dripping in fucking calories and I will drink your thirty calorie tea. And for-fuck-sake my name is Bella. B-E-L-L-A. If one more person calls me Isabella, I'm going claw holes through my hands." My legs began to sway and I found myself on the floor. The energy I was expelling with my anger had taken everything. It had taken the energy I was using to merely survive. Note to self- savour energy, you need it for standing up and breathing.

Somebodies hand settled on my shoulder.

"Come one Bella. It's going to be okay. Come on." Alice felt for my hand and hauled me off the floor, a thin layer of crumbs cover my sweatpants. Tears fell fearlessly down my face and my breaths began to shorten. This wasn't just eating. This was ruining everything I had worked so hard for. All these years of pain for nothing.

Everyone had finished. It was just me to go. I sat down at my chair and stared aimlessly at my place mat, I felt the heat from Alice's body next to me, she sat down and smoothed my hair. I didn't have any words to give her. I didn't even have some kind of meaningful look I could show her. I just stared at her. Stared deep into her melted chocolate eyes and hoped that she would understand.

She did. She held my hand underneath the table and squeezed until the sensation was drained away.

Patrick came back with a glass of brown milky liquid. Unsure.

I wasn't ready. _But__you__have__to__be__ready__Bella._

"You have fifteen minutes to drink that. Feet flat on the floor please Bella." No sympathy. What did I expect? I had starved _myself_ into a hospital. Tears fell heavily into the glass and the table and blurred my vision.

The fifteen minutes trailed on like days in winter and I still finished with only seconds to spare. Alice was there every mouthful, sip and gulp of the way. I loved her already.

"Well done Bella. I know that was hard. But well done." Alice smiled at me with her perfect teeth. Why could I have not become Alice when I had grown up? Why could I have not been anyone else but me? Why did everything have to become so fucked up? Renee ruined everything. I wondered if she would be proud. To see her daughter so sad that she had to starve herself to near death. Living death.

I was escorted to the Living area where I was watched for three hours after my meal, in order to stop any kind of purging and I sat, the whole three hours, and longer, cheeks drenched. The day tiptoed on and I had to ensure for every meal. I sat on my own table and once Alice finished her food, she would sit and hold my hand. By the time it got to ten, I was exhausted. I'd had enough, the amount of food I would've eaten in two weeks, I had eaten in a day and it had drained me. When I slumped off into my room, Alice was already sat in bed, her pink pyjamas too bright to miss, reading the latest issue of Vogue.

"How you doing Bella?" I allowed my legs to drop me on the bed.

"I feel like I need a week's worth of sleep." That was all I could manage. We lay in the silence for a few minutes and I thought about Alice. She seemed so caring, so kind, so normal. It was hard to see why she was here at all.

"Alice, can I ask you a question?" It slipped out before I had time to process it.

"Of course Bella, what is it?" She looked up from her magazine, waiting for an answer. I sat there trying to work out the right way to say it, a way in which not to offend her. Tact wasn't my strongest feature.

"I don't mean this to sound rude in anyway, and please don't take offence by it but I was just wondering why you were here?" I closed my eyes and waited for her to reply.

"Don't be silly Bella, that isn't rude at all. It is normal to feel inquisitive, especially in a place like this. I, um, have Bipolar and was put on a course of medication. When it started to work properly my doctors expressed that I should try and wean myself off it, which is what I did. Doctors don't really like you to be on medication like that for prolonged periods of time. However I came off it and spiralled. I fell into my most manic time. I wasn't sleeping, ever. I couldn't think, all my thoughts would jumble into one. I wouldn't stop. Everything I did needed to be fast and have rhythm. I would talk forever about things I knew nothing about and was in a constant state of elation. I was buying things like I had all the money in the world. Fast cars, lots and lots of clothes." She laughed and I wanted too but it felt awkward. I couldn't laugh when she was telling me something so personal.

"But it got worse and worse and I began thinking things that couldn't possibly be true." Her voice cracked a little and she stopped but it didn't stop me from asking what I knew she feared.

"What exactly did you think?"

"I thought I was invincible. Literally. That I was immune to laws and rules and morals. I thought I could do anything. I would steal things; act as if I were a god. I tried to kill myself because I thought I was immortal." I didn't know what to say. There was nothing I could say. Nothing to change it or make it better or do anything, so I just sat and waited for her to finish. "And that went on for about a month. Then it led into the depression. A depression that left me taking daily overdoses, not having the energy to open my eyes or to even breathe. I didn't leave my room for three weeks and I um…" She clutched at her arm and I clutched at mine. She didn't have to say the words. "Anyway, it got to a point where I would've succeeded in killing myself if I had carried on, I nearly did too many times. My mum decided that here was the best place for me and it was the best thing she could have ever done. I have been so grateful for this place. I know it's hard Bella and it is only the beginning but it will get better, just make sure you use this place for what it is meant for, to get you better!" She had such a calm caring quality to her. She made me believe her. When I was with Alice, things did seem, even if only a minuscule amount, to be getting better.

"How do you do it though? How do you keep yourself above the water? How do you keep swimming?"

"I realised that I had so much. So much and I was throwing it away. I am a person, not a mental illness and I wasn't going to let it ruin mine and my family's lives any longer." Alice beamed at me and I managed to muster a smile for her. "and with tablets of course." She giggled and I couldn't help but love her.

"Goodnight Bella, I hope tomorrow is better for you."

"Night Alice, I hope tomorrow is better for you too." I turned over and snuggled myself under the duvet, trying to will the goose bumps away.

"It will be." She whispered just before I closed my eyes and settled into sleep. **The one place that used to be safe.**


	6. I Will Become What I Deserve

I do not own Twilight, or anything associated with it. That gem is thanks to the wonderful Stephanie Meyer.

WARNING: ADULT THEMES AND AU, just to warn you.

I have suffered (suffer) or experienced some of the themes mentioned, However I can only write from my own experiences and the research that I have carried out. If you feel something is not quite right or unrealistic, feel free to message me and I will try to change it!

The title of the story is from the song, Spanish Sahara by Foals. Each chapter will be accompanied by a song(s) either that I feel relates well to the chapter or I was inspired by a particular lyric or melody.

Thank you to the wonderful Sympathetic Me for betaing this chapter and being ever so patient! I'm a terrible person to work with, so im very grateful for her to be sticking by me :)

And of course, as usual, give me your worst!

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><p><strong>Chapter Five – Oh I Will Become What I Deserve.<strong>

**The Fear by Ben Howard**

_I've been worrying (I've been worrying) that my time is a little unclear_

_I've been worrying (I've been worrying) that I'm losing the ones I hold dear._

_I've been worrying (I've been worrying) that we all lives our lives in the confines of fear._

_Oh I will become what I deserve._

_Bella is trailing the aisles; fruit, vegetables, tinned soup, cereals, chocolate, sweets, fizzy drinks, ready meals. Renee is gone. For all Bella knew Renee could be dead. Bella is leaning her weight on the trolley, hoping it will support her, keep her standing on the hard slippery floor. Her head is spinning, dizzy and faint. It's the hunger, she should eat but she has to find Renee. She needs to find her mom first. An hour passes. Isabella Swan is called over the tannoy. Renee is there and Bella doesn't have anything to say. Renee apologises to the supermarket staff for her naughty daughter. She apologises to them for Bella running off. She is struggling to hold six bags filled with food she wished she hadn't bought. She scolds Bella for running off. Bella doesn't understand. Renee was the one who had left a day earlier, leaving Bella alone. She didn't understand; she didn't want to understand._

I couldn't keep my eyes open. Food makes you horribly tired. Tired to the point where you lose track of days, you are tired of being tired, sleep consumes you. I just wanted to curl up under my duvet and sleep until I run out of breath.

_Renee is curled around the porcelain bowl. Her fingers stuck around the sides, holding it for dear life. Bella can see her through the crack in the door. The silence sits in the air like the elephant in the room. Bella tiptoes into the bathroom. Bella doesn't blink. Bella doesn't breathe. She won't make a sound. She isn't allowed. Renee's head is resting on the rim of the toilet, staring at the contents inside. Eyes blood shot, mouth dry. Her eyes dart towards Bella but nothing else moves. It seems she is unable to do anything but breathe. "Help me" she mimes. "Help me. Isabella. Help me." Bella can't move. She is stuck to the ground, it won't let her go. She is scared. Renee arches her back and there is a splash. The food collides with the water that once held a reflection of Renee's face. Now she falls lifelessly to the floor. Bella doesn't blink. Bella doesn't breathe; she plucks up the courage, slides towards her, wipes the sick from her hair and tucks it behind her one exposed ear. She flushes the toilet and watches as the remains spin and spin and spin around the bowl. "All gone." Renee whispers. A__**ll gone.**_

Another blink that lasted for a little too long. Hopefully no one had noticed. I pushed myself onto the sofa and surveyed the room to see if anything had dramatically changed. Alice was sitting with Angela who I had met before breakfast. She was lovely. We had stood in silence for a little while before Alice had introduced us and as soon as I heard her voice, it lulled me into liking her. Emmett, Rosalie, Jess and Mike were playing some kind of game at the chairs. I still hadn't figured out why Emmett was here, Alice had said Rosalie was Borderline or Underline or something along those lines and that there used to be a thing going on with her and Emmett, but Rosalie had had some difficulties with everything and had left poor Emmett broken hearted. That was Alice talk for Rosalie fucked someone else and didn't give any regard for Emmett. I didn't have Alice's tact. Jess was just Jess and I recognised Mike too. His parents owned a hiking shop that Charlie and I had popped into when he went on that camping trip with Billy. They said their son had gone away but I thought he might have gone to visit family, travelled Europe, not have been locked up, crawling the walls of mental institution. I looked around for quiet Emily. She didn't speak. Nobody really knew why but they knew she hadn't done so for a long while. She was so beautiful, so beautiful and obviously broken. I rolled onto my back, my stomach bloated. It hurt. I wanted to claw at it until I was just blood and bones, but my fingers wouldn't move. My limbs had decided to set up camp right where they were and my eyelids conveniently began to fall.

_Renee has been fine for months and Bella had recorded every second like the minutes of a meeting. She had a mother again. She had Renee back but she is waiting, waiting outside the bathroom door, waiting at the kitchen cupboards, waiting on the other side of the bed. Waiting for things to spin upside down, twirl into that alternative universe they both know so well._

"Bella. Bella? Its, um, time for snacks." Eurgh. Snacks were the worst. I didn't understand it. It was such an inconvenience, such a stupid little meal. All the fuss, all the tears for fifteen minutes, a few biscuits and some milk, maximum of 300 calories. Day two and I was already fed up of it. I sat at my place mat. I had been moved back to my place on the fucked up eating table. Apparently having my own table was 'a privilege only used in times of need'. I perched what used to be my bum on the edge of the seat. My fingers began to quiver. Two digestive biscuits were place in front of me. One side covered in a thick layer of milky chocolate. I picked it up to examine it and the warmth from fingers melted the painted side and a brown, sickly sweet substance coated my fingertips. Jessica passed me down my drink. A small, luke warm cup of hot chocolate. Yesterday, whilst I was heightened awareness, after I'd calmed down; I was given a menu to fill in. Every meal and snack option for the next two weeks was on it and I just had to tick what I wanted every day. Lowest calorie option, of course Silly people. But it wasn't that simple. You couldn't pick certain things too often. Blue list snack options were only allowed twice a week and conveniently they were things like fruit and smoothies, red list things had to fill the rest of your days. So today was a red list day and it was either a 300ml hot chocolate or a 500ml glass of full fat milk. I couldn't win. If I was going to eat, I at least was going to like the taste to some degree.

"Right everyone, that's dead on 3 o'clock, so you have until quarter past." Every single person sighed. I fiddled and played with my biscuit. Broke it in two.

"Don't break it again Bella, just eat it." I smudged the chocolate onto my fingers.

"Stop playing with it Bella, just eat it." I nibbled my way around it, making sure as many crumbs as possible fell onto my plate.

"Bella, just eat it." I reluctantly put the rest into my mouth. "And the crumbs." What the fuck? And the crumbs? I pressed my index fingers into a small pile of crumbs and slowly scrapped them off with my teeth and then sipped and sipped and sipped my glass of hot chocolate until every last drop was gone. Fuck this.

"Everyone done? Can we all go and sit in the TV area please." We all hurried over to the sofas, part wanting to burn as many calories in a few seconds as we could and partly so we could get the best spot for the TV. Everyone huddled around Jacob. A young guy who worked afternoons. He was here on a placement as part of his degree. We all stood on our tiptoes forming a circle around him.

"Come on now you guys, you know what to do." He smiled. We all sat down, sighing into the black leather. We weren't allowed to really stand up when on heightened awareness, now move too much, wiggle legs, I surprised we were allowed to breath.

"Right Jess you finished at 7 minutes past so you will be off at 22 minutes past, same for you Elenya. Jack you finished at eleven minutes past so that's 26 minutes past and, Bella, um, you finished bang on quarter past so you'll be able to walk and breathe again at bang on half past. Al right guys, fancy a film?" Everyone's eyes seemed to brighten a little. I slid myself onto the floor beside the couch and stretched my legs out behind the foot rest. Wonderful, fifteen minutes of wiggling toes and jiggling my feet. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Jacob looked over at me. His eyes darted to my hidden feet, then to my eyes. I guess he'd seen this kind of thing a million times before. The corners of his mouth slid up towards his ears as if to say 'not as sly as you think'.

"Have we reached a decision?" His face leaked a warmth that seemed to settle everyone. He reminded me a little of Alice.

"We've gone for the classic Finding Nemo" Elenya shouted. Fuck that. I was not watching that. My eyes circled the room and found in the very corner a boy. I couldn't quite make him out but I didn't think I'd seen him here before. My head replayed his face, his clothes; his name over and over into it sang me to sleep, 'Edward'.

_Renee is smiling. Bella is smiling. They are working their way through the 52 mini chocolate cakes they ran home with. The ice cream is melting. The sweets are sticky. Their hearts are pounding in time with each other. The TV is so loud they can't hear themselves think. Just the way they like it._

Open your eyes.

Open them wide

Quick before they call you,

Try to hide.

Walk over to the table

Stair at the place mat

Look at yourself

Fat

Fat

Fat

Chomp

Chew

Swallow

Bite

Don't show them you're struggling

Try not to cry

Are you okay?

Always lie

Die inside

Still alive.

_Bella skips home. All is well. Bella unlocks the door. All is well. Bella sneaks up to her room. All is well. Bella passes Renee's room. The door is open. She swims through the wrappers to bed. Renee is smiling. Bella closes her eyes. All is not well._

"Fuck." Its dark and I'm in bed and it's cold. Its night time, when did this happen? When did I get here? I rattled my brain for the memories made today and I couldn't remember. Everything was covered in a film of food, even my feeling and thoughts. I slide myself out of the bed and pulled my hoodie from the chair next to Alice's bed where she had hid it with the intention of chopping it into little pieces and burning it whilst I slept. I pulled the door open and Jacob was sitting outside with one eye open and one eye on the floor.

"Bella where are you off too?" His eye opened and his smile curled.

"I couldn't sleep properly. I just wanted to go and sit in the library if that's alright?" He paused for a second and I could see him flicking through the rule book in his eyes.

"Fuck it. Go on then. Are you going to be alright on your own?"

"Jacob, do I look like I can't take care of myself?' I said putting on my most confident façade.

"You look like if I sneezed, I'd blow you away." We both giggled quietly and I ran off up the corridor.

If I was honest with myself, I was a little scared. Not that anyone was going to get me, just of sitting in the dark alone, the silence suffocating me. You quickly get used to not being alone in a place like this and this would be the first time I'd been completely on my own. I stood in front of the library door, sighed heavily and pushed with all my might.

"Fuck." I stopped. Someone had just sworn. I was the only one who swore and it wasn't me.

"Hello?" I asked loudly. This felt like some kind of shitty, low budget horror film when the psycho they thought they'd killed years ago comes back for revenge to the mental hospital that committed him to life of misery.

"Do you know what time it is?" The darkness asked.

"I don't know, three?"

"Then keep your fucking voice down." I was taken aback. I pushed the door again even harder than before and walked into the unknown. I could hear the voice moving, I could hear their footsteps and I followed them. "What are you doing?" The voice asked.

"Well I was half assuming you were leading me to safety." I said sarcastically and the silence resumed. I sighed and stopped.

"I don't think you should trust strangers like that, I could be a crazy person."

"Well you better be otherwise I worried about how you got in." I contemplated this thought, who the fuck was this? The voice laughed and I could hear that it had stopped and seemed to have sat on the floor. I slowly bent down and stretched my hands as around to make sure I hadn't been lead into some kind of torture chamber. I sat down a little too quick and bashed my arse.

"That'll be a nice bruise." I muttered. A light came on and I could see this boy with beautifully thick dark hazel hair left to grow a little too much, sticking up all over the place. His eyes were a midnight black with gold flecks throughout and he almost looked like an angel. Purple semicircles settled under his eyes like he'd been in fight or two only an hour ago and his lips were chewed like he'd been biting them since birth.

"Edward. Edward, I.. You were here earlier, I knew it." My words were tangling themselves around each other and the letters were getting confused.

"Hi Bella." He smiled that smile and my heart melted, dripping onto my soul.

"How do you know my name?" Stupid question.

"We did go to the same school, Bella." Oh yes, Stupid question Bella.

"Yeah. I actually stole your seat in biology, sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it, I won't be using it. I won't be back." His tone dropped, as did our eyes. I took this opportunity to ask the question nobody asked. The one everyone knew not to say.

"Why are you here Edward?" He looked up, looked me straight in the eyes, and smiled that crooked smile with pain behind his eyes.

"Well this is getting a little too deep too fast." He tugged a book off the shelf flicked throughout the pages. He didn't bother asking why I was here. I was pleased but also I didn't know what else to say. I wanted to ramble on about silly things but this wasn't the place and it wasn't the time but somehow Edward seemed to be the person. The man. I didn't even know him. I knew his name, and the fact that he was sitting here in the library of psychiatric hospital leading me through the dark.

"Sorry." He nodded and we were left sitting in the silence once more. We exchanged a few more words and then he glanced to the imaginary watch on his wrist.

"Better get back." He whispered. "It's my first day back and I'm already under Patrick's skin." Half of his smile cracked and he held out a hand to help me up. I didn't say anything; I didn't know what to say. His smile warmed my skin and put the depth back behind my eyes. I reached out and wrapped my fingers around his wrist to stabilise myself before I attempted to stand and he was cold. Colder than me. Like he had been standing outside for hours on end. He pulls me to my feet, I stumbled slightly and fall into him. He doesn't push me away; I slowly look up at him, his hand now in mine, my left hand resting on his chest. I slowly edge my face closer to his. My lips are only an inch away from his.

"We better get back." He whispers before dropping my hand, I pull back sharply, not believing I was about to make an idiot of myself. I nod my head before turning around and walking away from him.

"Bella…" He whispers after me. A tear escapes, I can't do this. This is Edward and I am Bella and this not right but there is something telling me that is not wrong either. I stop for a second, before continuing to walk back to Alice's and my room. Why fuck everything up even further? Who knew behind the doors of the loony bin, loony things happen to loony people. Who would've fucking guessed?


End file.
